Beer at the Bank

Now for a little politics and sports.

First, I am somewhat of an unusual liberal Democrat. I own guns and like to hunt and fish. I like to smoke cigars, especially those great ones from commie Cuba. I hope someday to own a Ferrari 575 Maranello which gets about 11 miles to the gallon in the city and maybe 15 out on the highway. It also spews out a lot of crap that causes the earth to warm, ice caps to melt, the ozone to evaporate and babies and young mothers to die in droves. Still, it's the sexiest looking car imaginable, can hit 210 mph on a straightaway and turns the head of every hot looking babe it passes. Hey, it's a Ferrari!!

And I like to drink. Drinking for a Minnesotan is a challenge since our liquor laws are akin to Utah's. Remember, it was U.S. Representative Andrew Volstead from Granite Falls, Minn. who helped usher in Prohibition. The law disallowing booze was named after him because he chaired the committee in which it was introduced and he eagerly walked it through Congress and into law. The person who was really behind it was Ohio Congressman Wayne Wheeler who founded some dumb ass organization known as the Anti-Saloon League. Justice was served when Wheeler died unexpectedly at the age of 58 when Prohibition was only a few years old. Served the worthless son of a bitch right, I say.

Back to Minnesota and its booze laws. Unlike the vast majority of states, we don't sell any kind of off-sale alcohol on Sundays. The Blue Law Backers must think god will smote you...or something...if you drink on the Sabbath. I’ve always thought Sunday well suited to having a few drinks. When the traditional brunch-time Bloody Mary is downed about the time the true believers exit the house of the lord there is a good chance a lot of people already have a nice buzz going. It gives new meaning to saying you “are in an A.A. program”…Atheists for Alcohol.

Minnesota was the first place that the Pleasure Prohibitionists (who have absolutely ruined life as we knew it in the Sixties and Seventies) decided that the sale of that piss-water beer sold at the Metrodome in downtown Minneapolis had to stop after the seventh inning stretch in baseball and at the end of the third quarter in football.

Which brings me to the soon-to-open University of Minnesota football stadium. Originally, the plan was to sell alcohol in the suites and high-priced loge seats. The rest of the stadium would be off limits to even beer. Then Gov. Pawlenty and the legislature decided to stick their noses into this. The argument was very Minnesotan: we are all equal even when it comes to boozing. Pawlenty even went so far as to claim we are "not a two class state." That comment is filled with irony since he seems to think there is a distinct two class system when it comes to everything else like income tax structures. This is where the very rich pay a far less and fair proportion of state income taxes than do the rest of us. On this occasion, however, he linked arms with the state house and senate and passed a law saying beer must be made available to all of the roughly 50,000 people attending Gopher games. U of M President Bob Bruininks said no to that approach and announced he will recommend to the Board of Regents that no booze be sold at all. Not anywhere. There is even discussion about banning booze a fan brings to tailgate in University parking lots before and after the game.

This is a classic case of cutting off your nose to spite your face. Such a ban will mean the U Athletic Department will lose out on much-needed revenue to pay down the debt for the stadium. However, the biggest problem is with the several thousand people who shelled out a lot of money for the primo seats and suites where they were originally promised that booze would be available. The stadium web site even touts "the bar" which will be in the DQ Club behind the high roller seats between the two 40-yard lines on the home side of the field. I originally thought the DQ stood for Dairy Queen. Now I think it stands for "Don't Quaff."

So, all these people who have lots of money (some seats are $450 a game!!) are now not going to be able to have a drink as was promised. Besides the lost revenue, Bruininks and the Regents might want to start factoring in what they will be paying in legal fees to defend themselves in a lawsuit which is sure to come if this stupid idea isn't rescinded.

This is a plague on both houses. The legislature and the governor should never have touched this one. Lots of people over in St. Paul didn't think ahead. Some obvious things slipped right by them. One is that when people pay more for service they get more than those who don't. I am a liberal Democrat that realizes equality addresses providing opportunity and doing away with laws and regulations that prevent opportunity. However, when I fly coach on a commercial airliner, I accept that I am not going to get free drinks, great meals and the attention of some knock out stewardess. First class and coach are two distinctly different things. As a Democrat, if I want my picture taken with Barack Obama I have to pay for it. Probably $2k minimum. Somebody who can't pay doesn't get their picture taken with the Prez...or his babe of a wife, the cute kids or the damn dog!!

All right, a bonehead piece of legislation was passed and signed into law. Bruininks says he doesn't want to have beer universally available at TCF Bank Stadium. Guess what, Bob, it was for over a quarter of a century at the Dome and I am hard pressed to remember any wide spread unpleasantries taking place because people were drunk and out of control. I'm sure someone can cite the anecdotal occurrence or two that happened probably at every game and probably quite quietly and which the vast, vast majority of the fans were unaware. So, sell the stuff to everyone. In the case of students, everyone needs to show his ticket stub. It gets punched or marked each time a beer is bought and the limit is two per person. There, that takes care of the matter.

Finally, the biggest argument for booze at the Bank is that since 1952 when I was eight years old, I have been going to Gopher football games. Except for the years under Murray Warmath, I have seen far too many teams take the field that were so lacking in talent they would have been better off playing Division II football (the Salem and Wacker years come to mind) and I have seen far too many games where we had big leads pissed away by horrific coaching (can you say Gutekunst and Mason?) Therefore, I figured out a long time ago that if one is going to subject himself to this kind of football, it's probably smart to be a little liquored up.

Anybody who wants to discuss this further can contact me and we can delve into it over drinks.